Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Accepting a Burden

“I will take the Ring", he said, "though I do not know the way.” – Frodo Baggins

So.  It hit me tonight. Really, really hit me.
I have cancer.
(Yes, I finally cried.)
Now if this sounds like the biggest “Well, no crap, Charlie!” statement you’ve ever read, you might be right. There is a certain amount of intellectual disconnect, of natural defensive denial, in any stressful situation, and it can be a bit unsettling to realize you’re suffering from it [the disconnect]. Then you get hit with the immensity of what you’re really facing ….well, swear words just don’t cut it.
What started to overwhelm me was what this fight is going to entail. I started to realize that this is not some flu virus that I will handle with a few office visits, and some antibiotics. This is not a tooth that needs filling, or a sprain that needs icing. I think, in the back of my head, while aware of the gravitas of my current status, I kind of felt like “Well, this sucks.” in much the same way as I might feel about a sinus infection.
But this isn’t a sinus infection.
I am not afraid for my life. Not by half. I know that I can and will beat this thing. I have absolute, 100% faith and belief in that.
I am worried about what this is going to cost and how I am going to pay for it. I am worried about missing work. I am worried that I won’t get to take my girls camping this summer. I am worried about getting sick with treatments and being a burden to others. I am worried that the news will get worse. I am worried I will annoy and alienate others if I talk about it too much. I am worried I will become addlepated. I am worried about what my insurance will cover. I am worried, not because I might die…but because a huge, Gordian knot has been chunked in my lap, and I am fresh out of pen knives.
I wish there was another way to describe this. But the best I can do (and forgive me for doing this, but another Tolkien allegory here) but I think it is similar to Frodo, standing in Rivendell, having just accepted the burden of carrying the Ring. He doesn’t know what it will entail, and he doesn’t know (yet) how he will get to the end of that road.  No one else can do it, so he must.  He knows the road will be long, and will be filled with challenges. He knows that everything hinges on getting to the end of that road. I think he realizes that unlike every path he’s trodden before, this road is going to change him forever and in ways he cannot anticipate. I think, he’s a little intimidated.
But I do take strength in knowing that like Frodo, I am not going to have to do this alone. Frodo has the Fellowship, his stalwart and boon companions. So do I.  I am very, very fortunate, and so extremely grateful to find that so many people are in my corner and rooting for me. It really does help.
Love to you all.
First appointment with Urologist today at 2:30P. I lucked out, because Dr. April (my regular Doctor) found a very highly recommended doctor that is only 2 blocks from my work. (and Dr. April is only 6 blocks away from work….how cool is that?!)

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